Part 1: Using Sex as a Weapon!

Sex is the greatest gift of marriage; it is meant to be enjoyed, cherished, featured, and respected. It is what makes marriage unique among all other relationships—best friends with benefits—for life! Using sex as a weapon turns intimacy into warfare. In seeking “to win,” both men and women will lose. Trying to manipulate your partner will only drive the partner away. Using sex as a weapon is the primary cause of sexual dysfunction within marriage and both men and women are guilty of doing so. If not addressed, often leads to divorce.

I Corinthians 7:4-5 states it best, “A wife is not the master of her own body, but her husband is; in the same way a husband is not the master of his own body, but his wife is … do not deny each other.”

Seek to fill each other’s needs ahead of your own, and sex will cease to be a weapon. It will instead be what it was intended to be in the first place by the God who created marriage: a beautifully exclusive consummation of deepest affection.

One of the most common dysfunctions is when one partner uses sex as a weapon. You might think this is the woman's domain, but it's not necessarily so. In many relationships (an estimated one third) there is a "desire gap," where one person has a higher sex drive than their partner. Unfortunately for the person with the higher sex drive, the one who wants sex the least controls the relationship.

There are many reasonable reasons for a low sex drive. Biologically, hormones fluctuate and medications alter libido. Emotionally, depression and stress will lower libido. Life can get in the way, between high pressure jobs and multiple children, even if the desire doesn't suffer, the execution might.

Just because there's a sexual disparity doesn't mean a person is using sex as a weapon. You have to intend to control, manipulate, or hurt another person in order for it to be considered a weapon. If a low sex drive is a symptom of unresolved problems in the relationship, rather than a biological or emotional symptom, then sex is likely being used as a weapon.

When you use sex as a weapon, you intentionally withhold sex as retaliation for not getting emotional or physical needs met. You may also be overtly sexual in appearance, but play "hard to get." Controlling the amount and timing of sex can be a way to try and gain more power in a relationship.

Sex is an important aspect of romantic relationships. It can and should be used to deepen your connection to each other, and to deepen your connection to yourself. Reducing sex to the status of a weapon virtually ensures that the relationship will end, unless you commit to working with a trained coach or therapist who specializes in sexuality and relationships.

According to Rabbi Weinsberg, who has authored two books on sexuality post-illness including Conquer Prostate Cancer: How Medicine, Faith, Love and Sex Can Renew Your Life, sexual disparity is typical. The experience of a sexual drought is relatively subjective. Just as each individual has their own preferences regarding sex, each person also has varying opinions on the frequency of sex. As Jodi Lipper, co-author of How to Love Like a Hot Chick explains, there is no universal standard for the amount of sex a couple should have. While one married couple may consider having sex every day to be normal, for others, having sex once a month may suffice.

Are you and your partner experiencing a lack of sexual activity? Check if both your requirements are fulfilled. If not, it could be a sexual dry spell. Lipper advises that it’s insufficient if one or both partners feel unsatisfied or their needs are not met. For couples in a sexless relationship, it’s crucial to communicate the issue and find the cause before making any drastic decisions. In essence, express your sexual desires before asking for intimacy or separation!

Occasionally, a reduction in sexual behaviour within a partnership can indicate a display of other issues, states Dr. Alexis Conason, a psychological practitioner situated in New York City. It is crucial to uncover the reasoning behind why the pair has discontinued or lessened sexual activity to determine if it is a troubling period of disconnection or not. Essentially, discussing your sexual inactivity may reveal a basic reason for what appears to be a substantial predicament. Prior to resigning from your intimate life, Dr. Conason suggests evaluating the subsequent inquiries:

Is sexual activity on hold due to one partner’s anger towards the other?

Is a single spouse engaged in infidelity?

Do any health conditions hinder sexual performance or libido?

Are childcare duties burdensome for either or both partners?

Are either of the partners experiencing excessive job pressure?

Have you developed lack of affection for your spouse?

Talking about these inquiries might appear intimidating, however, it’s important for the well-being of your bond. Dr. Lisa Bahar, a certified marriage and family therapist based in Dana Point, California, clarifies that ‘physical passion that drew you in initially won’t keep your partnership flourishing. As of now, it’s necessary to construct a profound bond, which necessitates being conscious and fascinated by your companion in innovative means that generate unplanned physical connection.’ So, genuine connection results in sexual intimacy the antithesis of a sexual drought!

Essentially, a dearth of intimacy suggests a larger issue. Should you struggle to reminisce about your last intimate encounter, take note of the hindrances impeding you from fulfilling your desires – such as work-related stress or time constraints, among others – and seek to resolve them accordingly. Perhaps you could exchange massages with your partner to alleviate stress or plan a ‘staycation’ to devote an entire day to intimacy. However, the crucial component in discovering a satisfying conclusion – pun intended – is to communicate candidly with your partner and address the underlying problem. With luck, your conversation will shift from ‘We need to talk’ to ‘Less talk, more action!’ in the blink of an eye.

Marriage at its exquisite peak of pleasure speaks powerfully the truth of covenant-keeping love between Christ and his church. And that love is the most powerful force in the world. It is not surprising then that Satan’s defeat, Christ’s glory, and our pleasure should come together in this undefiled marriage bed.

Sex is not a weapon to use against your spouse—or to use your spouse for. Sex is a weapon to use against Satan as you passionately and lovingly pursue your spouse. Why not glorify God, fight Satan, and delight in each other all at the same time?

I recognize we live in a fallen world, so you can probably come up with plenty of reasons not to have sex with your husband. If one of those reasons is his sexual addiction, I recommend you seek help.

Sources: fireengineering, Sexless Marriages, Paula Writes